Someday...

Why in the world does my brain work the best as I'm trying to go to sleep at night?

I can write a full blog post in 5 minutes then it's lights out, folks.

But, if it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon? Fuh-get about it! So frustrating!

It is common knowledge that I'm kind of a control freak. I like having control over as many aspects of my daily life as possible. So when I'm not able to sit down and write down what i'm feeling when I want to, it is just so EFFING MADDENING.

*sigh*

I've been trying to go off of my anti-anxiety medicine so my brain is all jumbled and messy at the moment. Though today, I did have to break down and take one. Some junk about it causing seizures if you just quit cold turkey and that I'm totally insane when I'm off of it. Whatever. I prefer to be crazy and skinny over sane and hovering at overweight. Now, that's just me. I think if you're comfortable at your weight, good for you! I just personally struggle internally over certain numbers on a scale. People telling me it's ridiculous is not going to help me. Believe me.

It is another control issue. When you have hypothyroidism you can no longer completely control those numbers on that scale. While my medicine helps with anxiety, it does not help with that annoying little thing called OCD. Which is nothing like they portray it in movies and television shows. It's much worse and nowhere near as funny.

Someday I will be okay with my weight.

Someday I will be okay with my anxiety and my OCD status.

Someday I will be okay with this body. This mind. This daily struggle to control everything around me.

Until then, I'll just float on.

-Joy-

Hopefully.

My first love. My inquisitive, stubborn, independent 8 year old boy - who makes his mama proud everyday. Like every child, he is going through a rebellious phase. It's like a little game he plays with us to see how far he can push, too bad he has two of the most stubborn people he'll ever meet - as his parents. We are no fools, too bad for him. ;) In the process, he has started this thing where he asks why he's always in trouble and says things like, "You all just don't like me." or "You all don't love me."...despite our many discussions of behavior and how mama is his parent, not his best friend, so some things I have to do are not going to be things he likes, but I always have his best interest in mind.

Truth is, I don't REALLY know what I'm doing. But I can't let him in on that little secret. We are both learning from each other on some level. I know we will make it beyond this "Test Mama and Dad" phase. I mean, we will, won't we?

Of course we will.

That beautiful 8 year old boy will someday be a handsome grown-up and I'll look back on these times and be glad. Glad that we made it. Glad that through all over the arguing, the groundings, the exasperation felt by all -- we grew together.

Hopefully he will look back and realize how lucky he was to have parents that took the time to "parent" him and guide him to adulthood with love.

Hopefully.

-Joy-